Are you there universe? It's me 'no holding back'!

It's almost 4 months into 2010 and I would have to say that so far its been pretty successful if I look at it in a positive light.  I began my year with 1 slogan and 1 goal both of which I almost succeeded at.  I would say they both have had about a 93% success rate thus far.  The slogan being: No recycling [of men] and the goal being to put myself out there and stop holding back, to accept invitations and give everyone a chance.  I had a slightttt slip up early on in the year with recycling, but I did put myself out there which was my main goal and I must say I am very proud of me for that! 

I was once told by a high powered coworker to buy the book "The Secret" and although I didn't read it all, I did skim it and the book basically talks about the power of the universe.  It suggests that if you ask the universe for something, it will listen.  It says that if you put positive thoughts out there, positive things will come.  Well I have been trying really hard to be positive for the last 2 years and I think I have made a lot of progress with it since and out of that grew my 2010 goal of no holding back.  Looking back, it was crazy how one week after setting this goal, I began dating someone.  I mean I had met him a month before that and it took that long for things to start rolling (should have been my first hint) and I was quite hesitant as I am sure many can voucher for and although I have freshly given up on him, for numerous legit reasons, I have no regrets about it.  I actually really enjoyed myself.  Maybe the secret is right....I asked and the universe gave!

Last weekend was my final straw with the first no holding back try of 2010.  I mean its one thing if you are so 'busy' that you can't communicate with the one your dating more than twice a week, but its a whole other thing when you can't find the time to respond to one's friendly text message, the only form of communication you chose to use!! (grow up...you're almost 27!)  So Saturday night, I finally realized that not only was this not worth my time and attention anymore, but that it wasn't even worth holding onto for amusement purposes.  Obviously much venting went on to numerous people over the next few days (and more than likely will continue for a few more), but through this venting I did come upon a new slogan.  

What better time, new season, new slogan. With winter comes death and hibernation.  I realized I myself have been hibernating.  I knew I had to wake up from it at some point, but I was in a comfortable spot.  Whether or not it was where i needed to be or not, it was a comfort thing.  With the ending of winter, came the termination of my hibernation and with the start of spring, came the birth of my new slogan:  If you like it then you better put a 'ring' to it, not a 'bing, bing'.  If you know me and spend time with me, you know that when my phone receives a text it makes a double bing noise.  Don't get me wrong...I love texting, but it shouldn't be the only form of communication with people, especially if you are 'interested' in that person.  So as I was venting Sunday night to my dear friend d, I tell her this slogan and she couldn't agree more (but once again the universe must have been listening). For now on, if a guy is serious about getting to know me, he will need to pick up his phone and use his voice to make plans with me, not his fingers.  Only problem with the universe listening this time....I forgot that I gave my number out Saturday night to someone that I was talking to for entertainment purposes only.  I have a hard time telling people no when they ask for my number.  How do you nicely say no??  Well, not only did he contact me Monday and actually give me a ring, not a bing bing, but he also left a voicemail and if there weren't so many warning signs telling me to run within the short convo we had then I would be excited.  I mean he's cute, easy to talk to and closing on a house this week, BUT a bit to old, newly single (more than likely not over it) and sober for 4.5 years due to a medication he is on?????  That last one really bugs me out...well at least the reasoning behind it!  I have since talked to him via fbook chat (clearly I am not interested if I am not following my own rule of ring ring, not bing bing) and set up a tentative date for next Thursday, but the plans are just that tentative and he is aware of that!  Tentative to me meaning it's not gonna happen!

So 2 days into my new slogan my success rate has dropped to 0% due to me not following through, but maybe I need to give it more of a chance and by it I mean the slogan, not the guy.  Afterall, I just realized 2 days after NYE I asked my overbearing friend, f, not to give my number to 'baldy' due to it causing issues in the inner circle which technically means my original goal dropped to 0% right after initiation as well and then quickly skyrocketed within a few days. So who knows what the next few days could hold, especially with a roadtrip in the works!!!  I will be talking to the universe tonight with hopes that it is listening because afterall...I have always been drawn to southern boys!  Watch out d :)

Here's to the things that ARE happening, not the things that MIGHT!

Who said Valentine's day was about 'being in love'? LOVE and being in love are two completely different things. Valentine's Day is a celebration of love and yes that includes being in love if you are [lucky] enough, but that is only a small portion of it.

After being shut in for two days because of the 2 and a half feet of snow outside my door, I have had a lottttt of time to think, and think, and think some more and BAM these are where my problems arise from. Too much time with my thoughts and not enough time at yoga creates anxiety in my life. Granted I believe that 'me' time is important and thinking things through is a must, but when my thoughts get too in depth and I begin entering the world of craziness a little yoga always seems to help me get back on track, clear my mind and be 'normal' again and with the snow my 'normal' life has gotten quite off balance.

I finally just returned from my first trip out of the house in 2 days and where do I go, the mall! (Retail therapy also seems to really help me). I have been driving myself nuts with trying to figure out where my dating life is leading me. Questioning everything I've done and reading into everything he has said and done over the last 5 weeks. On top of that there is the added pressure of V-day creeping around the corner in 3 days. I am now back on my bed, where I have spent almost all of the last 2 days, and I feel like I am in a whole new mental state. I don't know if it was the fresh air, the excitement of 2 hours of yoga in less than an hour or the 3 new shirts I bought at the mall, but my thoughts have done a 180 (I'd say 360, but let's not push it)!

I think I spend so much time thinking about why things aren't happening and stop paying attention to what fun things are happening. Yes I would still like to know if I will have v-day plans or any plans this weekend with the guy for that matter, but my anticipation of that has gone from a 10 down to a 3 in the last few hours. My focus is now on what IS planned, not what MIGHT happen or could happen. I have plans to go skiing all day tomorrow with 2 future summer roomies (should be verrrry interesting), and then going to see v-day with the girl summer roomies at night!! and Saturday I'll be partying it up in AC with my long lost best friend B and the boys which is always an excellent time (here's to hoping Lady Gaga makes an appearance). As for Sunday, my tenative plans are to go back to my college days in a more sophisticated way, by drinking wine at an upscale steak house and just letting life and the wine flow as it pleases.

So here's to my Vday weekend beginning in only a few hours and spending it with my favorite people who are always there for me and make me smile/laugh like no other can! This Valentine's day Ill be celebrating with the love of friends and immersing myself in the things that ARE happening instead of the things that aren't. And who knows, maybe after two hours of yoga that 3 will diminish to a 1 :)

Love is an Art

My whole life I have believed that there is that one person in the world that you are meant to be with, ONE that's it. There may be a few people on the way to prepare you for this person, but either way I always thought that if I wanted to truly love with all my heart I could only do that if I found my one true love that was out there waiting for me. As I grow up and look around I have realized that this is the most ludacrist idea EVER. My fairy tale life that I have always dreamed of has now become my newest nightmare. With the start of 2010, I have finally reached a point in my life where I have decided I need to finally let my walls down and let guys in, at least give them a chance. At the same time, guys have finally started to show a actual interest in getting to know me and not just on a Saturday night at 2am. But with this new mindset has come a whole new level of anxiety in my life. The list of anxieties range from: will he call, to when will he call, what if I miss my opportunity with someone else while hanging out with him, to what about this summer if things work out, to what about this summer if things don't work out, to how much do I give of myself how early (emotionally, physically, mentally), to what is wrong with this guy because obviously there has to be something!

I have begun to realize that it is not about finding the perfect person, or 'my one', but finding an imperfect person and being in the right part of your life to enjoy them and put the effort in to make things work. Putting your inhibitions to the side, letting your walls fall down and enjoying the awkwardness, excitement and fun that a new relationship is. But the other catch, cue nightmare, is you could put all this effort in and finally let your walls down only to find out that the other person may not be willing to do the same. For 6 years, I have worked to build walls so that I could never be hurt like I was before. I may have complained and gone through pockets where I was miserable being alone, but all in all I have enjoyed the last 6 years of shallow romances that didn't take work and included minor anxieties that in the long run really meant nothing. Approaching 25, am I really ready to let the walls crumble, to put myself, my whole self out there for someone to crush again if he decides his walls aren't ready to crumble at the same time?

My favorite child's book illustrator, Peter H. Reynolds, put it best "Love is an art". Falling in love is all about timing or the merging of fates. Both people need to let their walls down and put in the time and effort. Everything has to mesh perfectly. You have to both be on the same boat or that ship won't sail. All I can hope for is that as long as I am doing my half of the job, eventually one day fates will collide and I won't necessarily find my one and only Mr. Right (no pun intended), but one lucky guy will instead BECOME my Mr. Right!

The innocence of a 5 year old...

As a Kindergarten teacher, having conversations like this on a daily basis is why my weekends are lived the way they are:

Convo #1 (1:30pm):

Kstudent M: Miss. M are you judy today?*

*side note: 'judy' in kindergarten terms, or at least in room 10, is slang for asking if I have recess "duty".

Me: Yes I am Mrs. Judy today

Kstudent M: So does that mean you are married to Mr. Judy?

Me: Well...if you find Mr. Judy please by all means let me know. I'd love to meet him!

Situation #1 (2:25pm):

During my 15 minutes of recess duty, I walk over to 4 of my boy students who are sticking their hands through the construction fence (which i already told them not to do for fear of their hands getting stuck) take the 2 icicles from their hands, tell them they are not allowed to put their hands through the fence or play with icicles, especially with no gloves on and threw them over the fence in which they shatter into a million pieces and I walk away.

Apparently this was a HUGE mistake!

Convo #2 (2:30pm):

Legitimately mad Kstudent T: (while in line at the end of recess) Ms. M ruined Christmas!

Me: T why are you telling people that I ruined Christmas? What did I do? Christmas was over 2 weeks ago!

K student T: You did! You broke the Christmas spirits. You threw them over the fence.

Me: I threw what over the fence? You were playing with icicles, without gloves, that you got from the other side of the fence that you weren't supposed to be near.

Kstudent T: (really sad look)

Me: We have to get inside before we freeze. We'll talk about this in the room.

(2:40)Convo continues during snack:

Kstudent T: (telling his snack table) Ms. M ruined Christmas...she killed the holiday spirits.

Me: T...let's talk about this. I did not ruin Christmas. I did not realize they were holiday spirits. I thought they were icicles. The reason I threw them over the fence was because you are not allowed to play with icicles at recess. Had I known they were holiday spirits, we could have figured something out. I am sorry!

(2:45)Convo continues once again:

Kstudent S: Ms. M, T told me that you ruined Christmas and kids were saying outside that Santa is now dead.

Me: (breathing deeply at this point to keep my composure) S I did not ruin Christmas. I didn't know they were playing a Christmas game outside and I threw their icicles over the fence AND Santa is not dead I promise.

Kstudent N: (who is jewish)Santa isn't even real...my cousin told me

Kstudent S: (real sad) yes he is!

Me: Santa is real. Your cousin may have been confused since you don't celebrate Christmas. S don't worry what other people say as long as you believe, he will keep coming. If you believe what people say about him not being real then Santa will stop coming to your house.

Kstudent S: Don't worry Ms.M I will always believe. I promise I won't listen to them!

Kstudent N: Maybe she was wrong. I think Santa is real too.

Kstudent T: (comes slowly/sadly walking over) you know Ms.M there are still two people who can save Christmas...Mrs. Clause and ______(forget the other person, but it was someone important). They are the only two people who can still save Christmas for us.

Me: Okay you know what T I will write them both a letter explaining what happened at recess and I am sure they will fix it all for us.

Kstudent T: Great! Thanks Ms. M and don't worry you did a good thing even thought you killed the holiday spirits because you also killed _____(another made up name) who is really bad. (Runs over to his classmates at snack) Don't worry guys! Ms. M promised she would write Mrs. Claus and _____ letters and they will fix Christmas!

And people say teaching Kindergarten is easy!! In what other profession can you singlehandedly ruin Christmas in JANUARY none the less by throwing an icicle over a fence?Ohhhh the innocence of a Kindergartner! Gotta love it! I'll be sure to make a toast this weekend to Mrs. Clause receiving my letter in time!

I choose the pigeon...

When I think of a pigeon, I think of a dirty bird that lurks around the city eating trash and snuggling with bums. I think of raggedy clothes, murder, drug deals, poop on statues and scavengers.

When I think of a dove, I think of peace, cleanliness, and beauty. I picture marriage, serenity and everlasting love.

If I was asked what I would rather be, a dove or a pigeon, I would in a heartbeat choose to be the dove, but why is that. Why is it that I see these two 'birds' as so different when in reality they are actually the same? I recently googled both birds to only find out that when you google either, the first entry to show up is a wikipedia one relating the two as equals. With further research I realized that in Yoga, the word kapota means both pigeon and dove! So...in all actuality the terms are interchangeable!

This topic, like many things in my life, brought me to re-evaluate my love life. The past few weeks I kept repeating to myself "2010, 2010" like my life would suddenly change and things would fall into place when in reality the exact switch from 2009 to 2010 I created more issues then I needed....or did I? I stressed over my NYE drama/midnight kiss (even blogged about it) for 4 days UNTIL I was introduced to the pigeon, a fabulous asana in yoga! According to the instructor it is a hip stretch that not only opens the hips, also releases years and years of stored up emotions and stress. I seriously walked out of class last night and felt like a weight had been lifted. I left with a whole new attitude and outlook on life. I mean obviously I am not 100% cured, but I have made yoga a part of my life for the past 3 months and although I pride myself on being a positive person for the most part, I feel as if yoga/pilates has done nothing but make this a stronger part of who I am. Just today, a co-worker (and as in co-worker I mean the superintendent of my school district) inquired about me to my mom stating "Is she seeing anyone because she just seems so happy!" to which my mom obviously replied "NO!" Which got me thinking...I am happy! I have amazing friends who are all unique and important to my life in different ways. I have a great class and even if it isn't the age group I prefer at least I still enjoy it and they enjoy me, plus I have a job to go to everyday which is a lot more than others can say in this economy. My family is nothing, but supportive and loving of myself and my decisions in life. I am healthy. I am well educated and I am LOVED! No maybe it is not the love that I have been so desperately seeking after all these years, but it is love. Love is love whether it is coming from your students, your coworkers, your family, or your friends and whether it is coming to you by a simple hello in the hallway, constant up to date text messages, sporadic phone calls, fun nights outs or even relaxing nights in.

Sometimes I think we are looking in the wrong places or even focusing on the wrong aspects of our lives and we fail to miss the little things that make us who we are. All this time I could have sworn that a dove was clearly a much better bird than a pigeon. I mean look in stories, look in movies, look at pictures...the pigeon is always the 'dirty bird' representing the sadness in life when the dove is the 'pretty bird' representing hope and greatness. But maybe if I opened my eyes and looked in nature I would have realized that this is not actually true. All this time I have been looking for my dove in life: the guy who sweeps me off my feet from the moment I meet him and gives me the world. But this year, 2010, I will instead let the pigeons of my life get a closer look. I will open my eyes, my mind and my heart to the pigeons of my life and if I am lucky, just maybe my dove will arise from that and I will truly understand the interchangeability of these two terms.

How much weight does a NYE kiss really hold??

Yes 20"oh"10 is here whether d thinks we are ready for it or not and clearly from the things that have already occurred in the first 21 hours of the new year I am thinking she is correct! We may not be prepared for what it has in store for us! Yikes! The night consisted of what might possibly have been a summer preview of the shitshow to come. I actually awoke with butterflies (not to mention a ravaging headache) fearing the worst......a summer worthy of being a Jersey Shore episode all equipped with "the gym buff", house romances, nicknames, make-outs and of course street brawls! Im hoping along with the others that this was just a fluke and that things go much more smoothly for us in 147 days.

As for the new year I have decided that my small, yet challenging, resolution for 2010 is to be honest with myself and take responsibility for my actions whether alcohol induced or not. So I begin...YES I broke the inner circle as s so sweetly put it, YES it was not my best decision and YES not only woke up not proud of it, but while on the B.Out train last night I was already regretting it. and I am not making excuses for it but this brings me to my topic of the night...the New Years Eve Kiss!

Why is it that we feel the need to make out with often complete strangers when the clock strikes 12?? I myself have followed this tradition for as long as I can remember and yet where has it gotten me? I cant even remember who the lucky guys were for 05 and 06...mustttt have been memorable! I have also noticed that on any other night unless of course you are in the OD it is not socially acceptable to be playing sword fights with your tongue all over the bar. Case in point take this quote from Chelsea Handlers Book "My Horizontal Life":

"Public groping has got to be one of my least favorite things. I find it really offensive and just plain nasty. Unless I'm the one getting groped. Then I don't have as much of a problem with it."

And yet on NYE I feel as if you are looked down upon for NOT sealing the year with a kiss at midnight. Which brings me to my next question...what do you do when the one you really want to bring the new year in with is busy popping bottles, you can't get into VIP quick enough and his friend is all of the sudden in your face when the clock strikes 12 all mixed in with the fact that your reflexes/problem solving skills are not in tip top shape at the time? How much weight does a NYE kiss really hold? After all isn't it what is expected of you when the clock strikes 12?

I may have broken the inner circle, but at least I didn't recycle. But then again... I may not be able to say that after tomorrow :/

Here's to 2010...BRING IT ON!

2010: Going Green...but not with Men!

Showers...a necessity of life and a key component of who I am today. I know it sounds ridiculous, but without the invention of the shower my life would be completely and utterly different to say the least. The Shower has done phenomenal things for my life. The Shower keeps me looking/smelling my best on an almost daily basis, is a pivotal part of my summers at the jersey shore (especially those years when I decided to spend 90% of my time at OD:NSHH), has helped to nurse me back to health both physically and mentally by providing me with a warm, relaxing bubble bath, created great entertainment for me/helped me to accomplish a 'goal' if you will at a recent trip to Vegas, and has granted me magical powers when it comes to forming my complicated thoughts into something that others can understand. The latter being the most important for a girl who does not pride herself on being good with words/expressing her thoughts.

Although I have only had one serious relationship, The Shower provided 70% of my words throughout those 3+ years, which then again could be why things didn't work out or maybe I haven't been doing enough shower thinking, or SHinking if you will, which is why I have been unsuccessful since. More than likely its neither of the two and more the fact that I attract wanna be 'men' who are whack jobs and underestimate my will power/morals. None the less, I have decided to try out this phenomenon known as blogging and once again The Shower will be my main ingredient at being somewhat successful.

I begin with today's SHinking session:

With all the theme parties I have attended in my life WHY is it that no one ever thought to have an "old flames of the past" party?? I must say I do not think I could have ever created this idea or the details that I came up with without my beloved shower. Just think..the perfect party! After having to revisit memories of all your old flames and thinking of ways of dressing to reflect these jacko's what more does one deserve but a night of endlessly flowing beer, jello shots and girly shots from a water cooler? Perfect pair if I do say so myself.

So here is the outfit I came up with for myself. I wonder how many of these my friends would truly understand and who would understand the most?

An LM football sweatshirt, the #32 would obviously be changed to 69 representing all the upsidedown sex that didn't happen in my life, teabag earrings and a hawaiian lei, a flat brimmed hat and MJ plant in hand, a culinary deliveries bag sticking out of a pants pocket, stickers on my face and light up glasses, a picture of uncle jesse possibly in my locket, blue and white hawaiian swim shorts and baseball glove, a couple vegas chips including one $5000 chip that Id act like was no big deal along with constantly checking my phone for bookie updates, a weightlifting trophy, a bulldog with a "I am...Not the father" tee on, an ipod to play some emo music, a duck bill from ride the ducks around my neck, a finally a much needed drink in hand for having to relieve all these bad choices and to represent the reason why I don't remember many of them.

While this was all going on in my head in the shower I realized there was one guy who was 'in my life' for about 2.5 years of my college career and his personality was so non existent that I still can't figure out what could represent our 'relationship'. How sad is that? I don't know if I should feel bad for him or myself for dealing with him for so long.

Here is to hoping that 2010 provides me with a respectful, quality man putting all the 'men' of my past to just that....the past! I know everyone is about going green and recycling, but that should not apply to 'men'!